Is ‘empty love’, actually love?

I was only 13 when I realised that I wanted to be a wife and mother. Ever since, I pursued romantic relationships with hopes that it would turn serious. That it would end up in marriage. As naive as it is, commitment became the one thing I look out for in a partner, as I thought that as long as two people are committed to each other, everything else will work out.

Little did I know, there is such thing as ‘empty love’, or as I like to put it, attachment love. It was the kind of love that I’ve been giving throughout the past decade and a half. The kind of love that I held onto throughout my two years of marriage.

Yep, two years. Going in and out of nine relationships later, I found the one person who fit my criteria of someone to live with for the rest of my life — or so I thought. It took two months for him to show his true colours and two years for me to end the relationship that was put out to be for a lifetime.

I pedaled through every single day to keep the boat moving and afloat while he weighed it down to sink. I lost parts of myself, bit by bit until I reached the point where I realised that I’ve lost a lot of myself in the process. I decided that my thoughts, opinions, and feelings don’t deserve to be silenced. My dreams don’t deserve to be pushed back by his ego and insecurities. Most importantly, my physical, emotional, and intellectual needs deserve to be fulfilled and nourished.

I had to learn how to let go. I needed to detach myself from what kept me from standing on my own two feet.

Despite all the angst in going through a divorce, I know now that everything that happened was just meant to be — at least I’ve learnt to accept it that way. As someone close to me said, I wouldn’t have known my own worth if I hadn’t gone through what I went through. It may seem cliché, but all of this is really for the best.

All in all, it has changed the way I see love and commitment. That so-called empty love isn’t what love should be, neither should commitment be the foundation of love and relationship itself. Commitment should be a byproduct of love and not the other way around. People should want to commit in a relationship because they are in love.

It’s the million dollar question, but how do I define love?

They way I see it now is that it should be the thing that challenges you to be a better — if not the best — version of yourself. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your dreams and especially not yourself. It’s another cliché, but I really see a lot of truth in it. It maybe is self-centered, but isn’t that what it’s all about? Love shouldn’t be about other people or even the person you fall in love with.

Love has to be for yourself.